Society

RUPERT Murdoch is to assume control of England in the wake of revelations about the DJ Jimmy Savile.

BUSY parents are increasingly relying on primates to provide childcare, it has emerged.

THE end of the recession has failed to bring widespread joy.

FIX It badges awarded by Jimmy Savile are to be rounded up, melted down and made into a statue of Britain's favourite, non-threatening children's entertainer.

UNATTENDED cakes have sparked a huge blaze likely to engulf England.

GOVERNMENT experts have delivered a report on drugs policy as a rap over a housey beat.

ALL men alive in the 80s were sordid, creepy perverts, it has emerged.

THE Territorial Army has been renamed to reflect its target demographic.

HOLOCAUST survivors have backed George Carey's claim that he is like a victim of the Nazis because he does not like the gays getting married.