Society

THE current year has been abandoned as a waste of everyone's time after just five days.

THE announcement of increased train ticket prices has caused millions to use the strongest possible expletive.

BRITONS are describing their Christmas break to each other using a single semi-intelligible sound.

THE plummeting oil price will create a perfect world of traffic jams and a foul-smelling greyish-green fog.

A MOB of more than 400,000 drunks is staggering around the UK searching for a carol service to bellow at.

A CHILD of five has asked Santa Claus for a f**king £400 iPad in his Christmas stocking.

A COMMITTED racist and homophobe has blamed pain-killing medication for a string of cogent arguments in favour of multi-culturalism and gay rights.

THE proprietor of a shop selling tasteful artisan gifts has realised it is all just so f*cking irrelevant.

A SHORTAGE of snow in the Alps has cheered up thousands who love to see the middle classes spend money on going to see some rocks.

THE social stigma attached to daytime drinking sessions has been lifted for the festive season.