Society

A VILE, grasping couple have done post-budget calculations to work out exactly how much more money they will get.

THE government is to decide where the North begins by putting a Kent man on the train to Leeds and measuring his disdain.

MORTALS will be judged on whether they choose to jump the queue for the M25, God has confirmed.

TOWN centre busker Tom Booker has abandoned one of his own songs halfway through.

ACADEMICALLY exceptional people are lying about their inability to do everyday domestic tasks, it has emerged.

THE sun is shining, which means that you can only look in enviously at the comforts of your home while you chew meat in the garden.

DOLPHINS are vicious, brutal thugs spoiling for a fight with humanity, it has emerged.

COMPLETE nobody Roy Hobbs is demanding tough action be taken against Greece.

ATTRACTIVE people thoroughly enjoy not having to be funny or interesting, they have revealed.

THE controversial 'beach body' poster is no more tawdry, exploitative and depressing than the rest of advertising, it has been confirmed.