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Masterchef viewers divided over Greg Wallace copulating with food
VIEWERS are divided over the latest series of Masterchef, in which judge Greg Wallace assesses dishes after having sexual intercourse with them.
Puddings are now presented to Wallace on a mattress, which according to the BBC ‘is what Greg requested’ and ‘keeps the format fresh’.
Wallace then has sex with each dessert in turn before giving his comments on texture, warmth and filthiness, while John Torode looks on darkly and does sinister dry coughs.
Contestant Stephen Malley said: “When Greg said my raspberry torte tasted ‘laaaavely’ in a creepy, lascivious tone I was very pleased and assumed that would be the full extent of his feedback.
“So you can imagine my horror when he began to undo his flies.
“He went at that cake like a spaniel on a chair leg. Within seconds my beautifully-crafted dessert had been smashed into a thousand sweat-soaked pieces.
“Afterwards Greg sucked the bits of fruit out from under his fingernails, slowly and one at a time, chuckling and muttering something about ‘loving it, you flour-substituted little bitch’.
“Then John Torode helped himself to a forkful and said I’d really delivered some big flavours.”
Masterchef viewer Nikki Hollis said: “The sight of Greg’s billiard-ball head bobbing up and down like some malevolent nodding dog has forever sullied my mind.
“Having said that, it’s more interesting than Saturday Kitchen. Maybe Matt Tebbutt and Frank Skinner could have a three-way with an omelette.”