Undiagnosed Dementia Leads To Daily Mail, Say Experts

RISING numbers of undiagnosed dementia sufferers has led to the Daily Mail, new research suggests.

The Alzheimer's Society claims it has established a link between the Daily Mail and a massive rise in the number of people who look normal but are clinically out of their tree.

It is recommending that if doctors suspect mental illness or dementia their first question should always be: "Do you read the Daily Mail?"

Report author Julian Cook added: "It is a highly sophisticated product that knows its market inside out – it is written by the insane, for the insane."

Daily Mail reader, Bill McKay, said: "Now where did I put my copy of the Daily Mail? I suppose some Bulgarian gypsy woman has thieved it.

"The thing about this country, right, is that it's run by muslim celebrities and their boyfriends at the Co-op.

"Cameron's not much better, what with all his Notting Hill pig-sex orgies. Peter Hitchens should challenge him to a bare-knuckle boxing match in the nude so we can all see who has the tightest thigh muscles."

He added: "The Bishop of Rochester is right – you really can't tell that Natasha Kaplinsky is pregnant."

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Barclays Cuts Overdraft Fees From Criminal To Outrageous

BARCLAYS last night signalled a shake up in the banking industry by cutting its unauthorised overdraft fees from criminally immoral to sickeningly outrageous.

Britain's biggest bank said the development of new technology has allowed it to stop behaving like a common street thug absolutely all the time.

From next week customers who go beyond their overdraft limit will be charged just £8 each time the Barclays computer says 'no' to another computer.

A spokesman said: "Thanks to hi-tech innovation our computer can now say 'no' a lot faster than it used to.

"Before it used to go 'nnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooo', which would cost roughly £35 in computer time. Now it just goes 'nope', really quickly."

He added: "Anyone who says it only costs £2.50 for a computer to say 'no' obviously doesn't know very much about computers and stuff."

Meanwhile Barclays has reassured its shareholders that any lost revenue would be recouped, probably late at night in an alley, with the business end of a cricket bat.

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