subscribe
/ Sign Out

This Country's In A Right Bloody Mess, Says Cherie

BRITAIN is an awful place full of violence and corruption, and those responsible should be ashamed of themselves, the wife of former prime minister Tony Blair said yesterday.

Cherie Blair told a House of Commons committee that crime, education and the health service were all much worse than a decade ago and only couples with £3.5 million townhouses in central London were safe.

"This country used to be a nice place to live," she said. "Cricket on the village green, old ladies cycling to church, you name it.

"But everything seemed to go to hell not long after we moved house about 11 years ago.

"When we lived in Islington you could walk to a local Italian restaurant and scheme against your colleagues without fear of being assaulted.

"Then when we moved to that big house off Whitehall in ‘97, everything just turned to shit all of a sudden.

"I'd be watching the telly and I'd say to Tony, 'what the hell's wrong with this bloody country?' and he would nod and agree and then get me up the duff."

She added: "Now I wouldn't let my children walk from the front door of our Connaught Square townhouse to the waiting Jaguar unless they were escorted by heavily armed former SAS men every step of the way."

Mounties Vow To Capture Every Last Bee

THE Canadian Mounted Police has vowed to capture every one of the 12 million bees that escaped from an overturned truck earlier this week.

The Mounties said the bees will have already split up into smaller groups of around one and a half million and may attempt to blend into Canadian society, perhaps getting a part-time job in a small town.

Captain Tom Logan said: "We always get our man. And our bee. This is very much man against bee."

The Mounties have brought in Sergeant Bill McKay, Canada's greatest living wasp tracker who once tracked a single wasp through the Rockies for more than six years.

McKay said: "If you can track a wasp, you can track a bee.

"I'll travel by night, stick to the backwood trails, eat nothing but pollen, and within a week I'll be thinking like a bee."

Meanwhile the Mounties believe the bees may attempt to track down the driver of the truck and assault him.

Captain Logan said: "The last thing we want is the truck driver being woken in the middle of the night by a knock on his door, only to be punched in the face by 12 million bees who have formed themselves into the shape of a giant fist."

The mass bee escape has placed extra pressure on the force, already coping with the aftermath of the British Columbia foot deluge.

Captain Logan added: "One day it's feet, the next day it's bees. With our luck the next thing will be a deluge of bees' feet. What the hell's wrong with this country?"

Next story ›