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Temperature triggers by-law allowing public to smoke weed outside pubs

THE heatwave sweeping Britain has triggered a little known Victorian-era by-law allowing the legal consumption of cannabis in beer gardens and outside pubs.

With temperatures hitting 30ºC in urban areas bars and pubs are powerless to stop patrons taking advantage of the loophole, with pavements thronged with the highly stoned.

Chief inspector Emma Bradford of the Metropolitan Police said: “Smoke all you like. We can do nothing to stop you.

“When Gladstone made cannabis illegal in 1880 he included an exception in law, knowing from his gap year in Jamaica that it proved crucial for cooling the blood. He never expected it to be used here.

“Sadly, global warming means that Britons can toke the mad reefer without fear of reprisal on our very own streets for the first time since 1976, when we all grooved on the Brotherhood of Man.”

Martin Bishop of Nottingham said: “A pint of strong lager and a fat joint in the midday sun, what could be better?

“Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go and sit down in the nice, cool bathroom for five minutes before I’m sick.”

Are you drinking enough water? No, but take our test anyway

ARE you drinking enough water? Of course not. Doctors or fitness experts or whatever recommend you drink at least 18 litres of water a day. But why not take our test to confirm it? 

How much water do you realistically estimate you drink in a day?

A. About eight or nine litres. There doesn’t seem to be time to drink more.
B. Five cups of coffee, three cans of Sprite, and a bottle of wine.

Do you ever feel dehydrated?

A. No because I drink water constantly. I’m answering this between swigs.

B. Is that not what movie stars’ publicists say when they’re in rehab for drug addiction? I thought that was what it was. What, they just needed water?

What colour is your urine? 

A. Almost clear but not quite as crystal clear as precious, wonderful water, which proves I need to drink more water.
B. Urine-coloured.

How much do you spend each week on bottled water? 

A. Approximately 80 per cent of my income. I know, I know, it’s not enough, I still don’t have skin like the supermodels.
B. Like, the water you get from the taps at home?

ANSWERS

Mostly As: you are trying, but you still don’t drink enough water. When you die you’ll only have yourself to blame.

Mostly Bs: you will never see the end of your mortgage. Get your affairs in order for your heirs. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

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