WILDFIRES and floods do not happen on schedule, so expect the government’s mobile phone emergency alert to go off at inconvenient times. Such as these:
Mid-wank
Picture the scene. You’re home alone. You’re watching filth that makes you ashamed of yourself. Then at the crucial moment your phone kills the mood to warn you about a nuclear missile heading straight for your bedroom. Will you have time to finish before you’re vapourised? Only one way to find out.
At the library
Librarians urge you to be quiet if you so much as blink loudly, so a deafening siren blaring from your phone is guaranteed to go down badly. Who cares if the alert could warn you about a nearby natural disaster? Do the sensible thing and deactivate it now and live in blissful ignorance. Otherwise you might not be able to rent ancient DVDs for £2.50 per disc.
When the vicar asks for objections at a wedding
When the vicar asks family and friends to speak now or forever hold their peace, everyone is expected to remain silent and keep all knowledge of incompatibilities and infidelities to themselves. The universe has a sense of humour though, so this tense pause is definitely going to be interrupted by a weather-related alert that causes the unwitting groom to shit himself and fess up.
While you’re carrying loads of pints
Rather than ferrying a big round of pints to your mates in multiple trips, you like to carry them all at once in a precarious manner. What could go wrong? Nothing, except your phone surprising you with a terrifying klaxon that will cause you to fling them everywhere. Worst of all, some prick will give you a cheer.
During a high-stakes game of Operation
You’re not quite sure how you got here, but you’ve found yourself playing Operation against some shady characters with your house, car, and life savings on the line. You might be able to break even if you can delicately remove the wishbone with your little tweezers, so long as there isn’t a nearby industrial accident you need to know about. Steady, now…
