subscribe
/ Sign Out

Man appreciates women's buttocks on a feminist level

31-YEAR-OLD Tom Logan has discovered he enjoys women’s buttocks from a feminist perspective.

Logan described how Lily Allen videos and burlesque dancers had informed his enlightened appreciation of the female form, most especially the arse part.

He said: “Whether framed by a tiny sequined g-string or jiggled in a parodic hip hop context, exposed buttock flesh is a powerful tool of female emancipation.

“I am definitely more receptive to subversive anti-patriarchal statements when I’ve got a boner.”

He added: “It’s all about semantics and stuff like that. Ladies, I am a mass of fascinating paradoxes.”

Media analyst Emma Bradford said: “Burlesque is Spearmint Rhino for people in second-hand suits and pop videos exist to sell pop music.

“I recommend reading books.”

Prince Charles 'an inspiration to people who've wasted their lives'

THE Prince of Wales has been hailed as a hero by people who feel they’ve done nothing with their lives.

The Prince, who appropriately commemorated his birthday with a burst of inactivity, has reached retirement age without starting the only job he’s able to do.

Payroll administrator Mary Fisher said: “Sometimes I look back on my 40 years in a windowless basement moving columns of figures about and I want to weep.

“But then I look at Prince Charles and I think well, I at least I got to put money in people’s pockets on a Friday night.”

Norman Steele of Lancaster said: “I’m 65, my marriage has broken down, I’ve moved back in with my mother and I spend my days on the allotment growing vegetables.

“So basically I’m exactly the same as Prince Charles, except I’ve retired and he’s got years of work ahead of him.

“In many ways his dreams are even more thwarted than mine and that makes me feel a little better.

“If I ever meet Charles I will thank him for that, and he will realise that his life was not aimless.”

Prince Charles, giving an official address nobody even pretended to listen to, said: “I’ve spent my life waiting to become a meaningless figurehead, and sometimes I wonder if there could be anything less worthwhile.

“Then I remember my brothers Andrew and Edward.”

Next story ›