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Know-all has to get ready meal box out of bin to read intructions

A KNOW-IT-ALL who thought a ready meal would be so simple he wouldn’t need instructions has had to fish the box out of the bin.

28-year-old Tom Booker bought a microwaveable shepherd’s pie on his way home from work and just assumed he would know how to cook it.

He said: “I took it out of the shopping bag and just ripped the box off and lobbed it in the bin. Then I thought, ‘How the hell do I actually cook this?’

“I would like to apologise to that ready meal box. I’m sorry I threw you away like that without even taking the time to read you.

“Yes I’m eating a ready meal for my dinner, so things are obviously not the best in my life at the moment, but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

The ready meal box replied: “That’s fine mate. Just pierce the lid all over, cook for 5 minutes, stare. Cook for 2 more minutes and you should be good.”

Logan then repaid the box by making sure it went into the recycling so that it could maybe help someone else one day.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If people can’t handle you at your worst, they’ve probably got little patience for house guests that defecate on their sofa.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Knowing how fundamentally unfair the universe is, you predict that this week, photos will emerge of Donald Trump’s cock looking like a Pringles tube wrapped in Parma ham.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
It’s a bull market, which is to say you’re the victim of people trafficking. 

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You set a legal precedent on Monday when your boss shows the DWP your work over the last six months and they allow you to be paid under the minimum wage.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Oh I do like to be beside the seaside, oh I do like to be beside the sea, oh I do like to repeat myself in slightly a more succinct manner.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You research your family history this week and discover you’re a distant relative of the guy researching his family history across the table, so you really shouldn’t have had sex. 

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Tonight you tell your date that you used to be really into serial killers, but there haven’t been any good new ones for ages. 

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You reach a peak of health according to your biorhythms this week, so no pulling a sickie because HR routinely read and record everyone’s horoscopes. 

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
‘Jinx!’ you shout when you and a colleague say the same thing at the same time, but they don’t say it and are immediately crushed beneath a falling ice sculpture. 

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your sign is going through a turbulent patch, which is what you’re choosing to call your current digestive problems.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The first two rules of Fight Club are don’t talk about Fight Club. The third rule is no girls. 

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
On Sunday, you finally achieve your dream of hatching a clutch of Mini Eggs. “You’re beautiful,” you whisper, before you die.

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