HUMZA, buddy, I’ve just seen the news. Bad luck, mate. Not everyone can be universally adored like me. Want to know how I do it? I’ll let you into a few secrets.

Skip the whole ‘getting elected’ faff

Democracy is for losers. If you want to rule with a firm grip while commanding the love of the people, you’ve got to be willing to break the rules. I skipped the election process and look how popular I am! And it was definitely nothing to do with every previous leader being f**king shit! Those self-righteous Greens were holding you back with their ‘principles’. You’re better off without them.

Ride in a helicopter once in a while

There’s something about helicopters that instils fear and respect in people. Probably the whirring blades that could chop your head off! That’s why I fly in one at every opportunity, to assert dominance. I notice you’ve been taking the car everywhere and even walking like a pleb. Is it any coincidence you’re on the brink of a no-confidence vote while I’m sitting pretty as prime minister? I think not.

Wear cool shoes

You can tell a lot about someone by their shoes. Just take my Adidas Sambas. On the surface they might look like a pathetic attempt to connect with young people, but only a confident, Machiavellian genius like myself would wear them with a suit. ‘What four-dimensional chess is this galaxy brain playing?’ is what awed onlookers are surely thinking as they joyously look forward to re-electing me.

Frequently demonise the vulnerable

The trick to staying in power is to target a certain minority and blame them for all your failings. I do it every week and the prime ministerial pay cheque keeps rolling in, so it must be the right thing to do. I’m already going after trans people, the poor and the mentally ill, so you’ll have to think of your own scapegoat. How about left-handers? Those freakish twats have had it too good for too long. 

Perfect a terrifying cult of personality

Thanks to my deft handling of the media, including last-minute, utterly pointless press conferences, I’ve cultivated a terrifying cult of personality, like Stalin but not a leftie. Other MPs sweat bullets when I’m in the room, while women faint with joy when they see me out and about. This isn’t really something you can be taught though, charm and charisma is something you’re born with. I’m lucky to have been blessed with it. Angela Rayner’s ‘pint-sized loser’ comment was just a silly joke I can easily laugh off. Ha ha ha. Bitch.