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'All is forgiven' say poor people as Duncan-Smith donates tin of peas to food bank

BRITAIN’S least well off have hailed Ian Duncan-Smith after he donated an entire tin of peas to a food bank.

Despite being the architect of their misery, those struggling desperately with Universal Credit agreed he was a ‘bloody good bloke’ and the gesture thoroughly made amends.

Martin Bishop, the recipient of the peas, said: “I didn’t have much time for the Tories. I thought they were callous and vindictive towards the victims of their austerity policies which were driven by ideology rather than basic economic sense.

“But have you seen these peas? Amazing. I’m not even going to eat them. I’ll just put them on display as a constant reminder that, thanks to the Conservative Party, I live in the greatest country in the world.”

Mother of two, Nikki Hollis, agreed the peas were ‘extraordinary’, adding: “I owe Mr Duncan-Smith an apology because I thought he was a just a horrible, creepy bastard.

“The tin of peas does look as if it might be from the 1970s, but the important thing is he made the effort.”

How to make sure every single conversation ends up being about you

DO you hate listening to people tediously drone on about themselves when you’re clearly much more interesting? Here’s how to steer the conversation round.

Pretend to empathise by telling a very long story about yourself
When someone is sharing their boring problems, say ‘Yes, it’s just like the time I…’ and then don’t let them get a word in edgeways for the next three hours.

Suddenly start sobbing like a traumatised child
Pretend you suddenly remembered the time your guinea pig fell in the waste disposal unit and attention will once again be on you. Poor Mr Snuffles. What a terrible way to go.

Ask them if they’ve realised they talk about themselves a lot
The move of the arch manipulator, this will ensure they feel embarrassed and awful and clear the conversational path for you to ramble up and down for pretty much as long as you please.

Make up some worse problems
If someone starts telling you they had a bad day at work because the kettle was broken, jump in and tell them about the time your office exploded. Omit to mention that it was actually just a lightbulb and you weren’t exactly fleeing for your life from falling rubble.

Jump out of a window
Not only will everyone be talking about you immediately, but you can milk it for weeks whilst wearing a neck brace.

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