Ainsworth a 'world class LSD fiend'

FORMER defence secretary Bob Ainsworth was today accused of backing the legalisation of drugs so that he can feed his insatiable desire for psychedelic freak-outs.

Ainsworth, who oversaw drugs policy under Tony Blair, said the war on drugs was unwinnable because, you know, it was his job to think about that kind of stuff.

Sighing heavily, he added: “Do I really have to explain this?

“Okay. I used to work in a big building in London where there were lots of people who knew about drugs and I would have meetings with them and actually listen to all the different things they were saying to me. And that’s pretty much it.”

But Ainsworth was immediately dismissed by his Tory successors at the Home Office who claimed he was a typical LSD fiend, hungry for his next freaky trip.

Crime prevention minister, James Brokenshire, said: “Look at his moustache and his Woolworths spectacles. He loves drugs.

“In fact I would go so far as to say that his choice of tie demonstrates that he is clearly mashed off his big hippy tits. Probably on funky mushrooms.”

He added: “Keep well away from him as he will try and coax you into his camper van and offer to paint swirly patterns on your belly.”

Mr Brokenshire then described decriminalisation as a ‘simplistic solution that fails to recognise the complexity of the problem’ before drifting off the subject and staring at his feet until he suddenly pointed towards the window and screamed ‘OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?’ and ran out of the room.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you complete your novel about a dejected historian who becomes convinced that inanimate objects and emotional situations encroach on his ability to define himself. It needs a car chase.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If music be the food of love, play on. No. Wait a minute… my leg’s in the wrong place… ow, ow, OW. Okay – play on.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
There’s nothing that says ‘date night’ like a van with the windows blacked out.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A week after poking the Duchess of Cornwall in the ribs with a stick you get a phone call from Clarence House asking you turn up at the staff entrance at 10.30pm with the stick, a bottle of Grand Marnier and no pants on. Let’s just hope it’s not a threesome.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
“LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!” That’s why you weren’t invited.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week a 42 year-old man from Bolton downed a large meat pie in less than 24 seconds. While you just sat there.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
There’s something in the way she moves me, that makes her like no other lover. I also like her staunch Catholicism, traditional values and determination to appear on Strictly Come Dancing despite her physical appearance.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week, why not put a picture of Valdimir Putin’s alleged mistress on the cover of Russian Vogue? He won’t mind.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
They told me I had to speak to you. No, I explained all this to them and they said I had to speak to you. No. I understand that… I understand that. I am just saying that they told me that I had to speak to you. But if I go back to them they will just tell me that I have to speak to you. Please stop this. Please… please… please…. please… aaaaaargh… aaaaaaaaargh… aaaaaaaaaargh… aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh… AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH…. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Thank you. It’s ‘Psychic Bob’. That’s P-S-Y-C….

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
So you didn’t win the X Factor. Never mind, you didn’t deserve to.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness. Luckily, I went to see Bad Manners instead. ‘Lip up fatty, ah lip up fatty, for the reggae’. They were quite good.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This Friday, when your boss takes you to one side at the Christmas party and tells you that if you stick with him you will have a big future with this company, tell him that everything he stands for is soul-shatteringly worthless and you would love nothing more than to vomit into a gaping wound in his chest.