Dear Holly,There’s a woman who sits opposite me at work who every year insists on festooning her desk with an array of cheap, gaudy Christmas shit and gabbers inanely about how she did all her Christmas shopping online in January, and how she’s cooking for 12 people on Christmas day, and how she’s gone for a real tree instead of a fake one this year because it looks so much more ‘authentic’, as if that is not unbelievably fucking obvious. Yesterday she turned up wearing reindeer earrings and tinsel round her pony tail and insisted that I open a door on a child’s advent calendar. What’s the most painful way to kill someone with a fountain pen?Debra,Macclesfield

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