THOUSANDS of Canadians will be forced to move to Scotland under SNP plans to reverse the Highland Clearances.
Following an agreement with the government in Ottowa, Canadians of Scots origin will be forced at gunpoint onto a fleet of ships bound for the Old World.
It's the latest policy reversal by the new SNP government, which has seen the building of a state-of-the-art accident and emergency department in every driveway and the overturning of Scotland's 2-0 home defeat to England in the Euro 2000 play-offs.
Wendell Maclean, a dentist from Winnipeg, said: "I make $200,000 a year and own a golf-condo in Fort Lauderdale.
"I have to give all that up for a four-acre turnip field and a shed made of dung in some place called Ardnamurchan."
He added: "I've never been to Scotland before and I don't know anything about the place, other than the fact that they are world class bagpipers and are at war with the Dutch."
A Scottish government spokesman said: "The Highland Clearances were the result of top-down decision making that did not have the support of local communities.
"This will give a tremendous boost to national turnip production and reinvigorate the Highland dung processing industry."
The Canadian government signed the deal after Scotland promised to share its cutting-edge bagpiping technology.
