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Six TikTok genres that should f**k off and die

TIKTOK prankster Mizzy has been in court for confusing ‘hilarious stunts’ with ‘threatening people’. But he’s not the only TikToker who deserves prosecution. You may be aware of these genres.

TikTok challenges 

The Ice Bucket Challenge raised lots of money for charity and is very funny if you have the IQ of a cardboard box. But what about the Blackout Challenge (hold your breath until you pass out)? Or the Slap a Teacher Challenge (unprovoked assault on a teacher)? Or the Shoot Up Your School Challenge (mass shooting hoaxes)? 

There’s only one way TikTok challenges are going, and it’s into an abyss of stupidity. Is there anyone who’s up for the Castrating Yourself with a Lawnmower Challenge? Of course there is.

Pranks without any discernible humour

A prank usually involves some element of fun. Mizzy disagrees and basically threatens people by invading their homes with a bunch of mates, or aggressively hassles them in the street saying ‘D’you want to die?’. After the hapless victim has run off thinking they’re about to be stabbed, only then does he produce a packet of hair dye. Oh our poor sides. In fairness Mizzy didn’t invent the genre, but he does deserve some of his own medicine, maybe being run over by a bus? Okay, it’s technically not a ‘prank’, but then neither are his. 

Carnivore recipes

Not to be confused with macho twats who merely think eating steak is dead hard. These people go to huge lengths to not eat any plant products – for example, baking a burger bun that’s minced chicken instead of dough. The sad thing is they might convert others to their insane diet, but since their average meal is deep-fried beef wrapped in bacon topped with eight pieces of processed cheese, this may well be a problem that fixes itself.

Ghost crap 

What’s impressive is that the quality of evidence on TikTok is somehow even worse than the rest of the internet. Take your pick of clichéd hoaxes like objects moving due to the mysterious paranormal force known as ‘fishing line’. 

But what TikTok really brings to the party is endless talking heads going: ‘My cousin’s unnamed friend said someone in an unspecified place saw a shape one night which disappeared.’ Woah, try and debunk that, skeptics! Life after death had better exist, because you’ve just wasted 20 minutes of yours on this subnormal shite.

‘Sludge’

Got some content that’s crap even by TikTok standards? Turn it into ‘sludge’ by adding another unconnected video people can’t help glancing at. For example, increase views for your pyramid scam by pairing it with footage of a speeded-up 3D printer making a baby Groot, or someone playing Halo multiplayer, or both. If visual ‘entertainment’ sinks any lower we may as well just make videos of ourselves holding up our turds for the camera. Oh. People are probably already doing that, aren’t they?

Rambling, incoherent morons

The world desperately needed a video platform without the impossibly high editorial standards of YouTube. Luckily TikTok has democratised broadcasting for every f**kwit with a phone. Millions of them, incontinently blabbering in every conceivable situation – outlining their Tupac conspiracy theory in a surgical gown waiting for biopsy results; screaming about the patriarchy not accepting their morbid obesity while driving a car; mumbling about white supremacy while eating a McDonald’s in a public toilet.

It has to stop, so just tell them it’s Official Murder A TikToker (Including Yourself) Week. It’s not like they’ll turn around and say: ‘I don’t believe you. That’s stupid.’

How to easily spot the wrong answers on your online workplace diversity course

GOT an inbox full of mandatory diversity training courses you’re putting off doing? Practise finding the insultingly obvious correct answers with our quiz.

Adnan has just joined the company as a trainee. Several colleagues have made derogatory comments about his ethnicity they consider to be harmless ‘jokes’. Do you:

A) Make them aware that what they are saying is offensive. If they persist, inform your line manager or HR department. Even if intended in jest, racism is a serious matter.

B) You what? You can’t have too many jokes about curry, funny accents and Osama Bin Laden. If Adnan won’t embrace the great British tradition of laughing at yourself but more commonly minorities, there’s plenty of other countries he can move to.

You’re in the kitchen with Charlotte, who is wearing a fairly short skirt, and Mike. You notice him surreptitiously taking a picture of her posterior when she is not looking. Do you:

A) Report him immediately. Not only is it an extremely serious invasion of privacy, it probably constitutes harassment, a criminal offence. Neither are acceptable in the modern workplace.

B) Keep schtum and ask him to send you the picture later. If Charlotte doesn’t want men to take photos of her gorgeous arse, perhaps she shouldn’t be dressing like a whore?

You are interviewing Sarah for a promotion to accounts manager. She has recently returned from her honeymoon and is the standout candidate. Should you:

A) Offer Sarah the position. She has been a valued employee for five years now and is ready for this challenging new role.

B) Give the position to a man and tell her it’s only a matter of time before she gets herself up the duff and f**ks off on maternity leave, plus she’s the wrong side of 30, so she’ll want a baby before she turns barren. Be sure to end the conversation with some creepy, intrusive comments about her and her husband’s sex life.

Tim has just joined the company. He identifies as gender-neutral and wishes to be referred to as ‘they/them’. Do you:

A) Respect his wishes. You should be sensitive to people’s gender identity preferences and besides, it has no bearing on his ability to do the job.

B) It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam becomes Madam and Eve turns into Steve. You shouldn’t encourage ‘them’. It’s only a matter of time before Tim demands to self-identify as a helicopter, ha ha ha. Explain that if he doesn’t know what sex he is, he should have a good look in his pants. Say this in a meeting. It’s for his own good in the long term.

Several of you have gone to the pub at lunchtime, apart from Moeen, who is Muslim. Several colleagues begin making offensive comments about his beliefs. Do you:

A) Tell them what they are saying is wrong and they must stop immediately. Racism is racism, regardless of whether the victim is present.

B) Join in. He’s never going to know because he’s not there, so it’s his own fault for having weird beliefs. What else does he believe? The Teletubbies are real? You might ask him in front of everyone in the office – it’ll be really funny.

All As. You fully understand the importance of diversity and inclusivity in the workplace. You’ve passed with flying colours, although failing this incredibly easy test would make an amoeba better qualified than you.

All Bs. Fail. You’re a gammon bastard who belongs in an episode of Love Thy Neighbour, not the modern workplace. It’s only a matter of time before you get sacked for some offensive comment, but given the easiness of the test it’s amazing you know how to work a Post-it note.

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