TECHNOLOGY changed the world then got carried away. Now these previously simple actions require a fiddly bloody app to use:
Listening to music
20 years ago you’d select a CD, pop it in the tray, and play the bastard. Hooking up the speakers was a one-time job. Now you need to download the app, set up your account, sync your devices, sit through regular updates midway through Paul’s Boutique and it cuts out when it automatically begins playing in your boyfriend’s car.
Going swimming
You’d rock up at the front desk with your trunks rolled in your towel and pay in coins. Now? You’re informed you must book via an unusable app for a specific slot in the crowded pool and if you don’t make it? You’ll be fined. Don’t worry, you agreed to that when you registered.
Getting a free coffee
It used to be a card you kept in your wallet that got stamped. Crude, effective, unimprovable. Now you’re in the queue at Caffè Nero and you’re downloading, you’re entering your details, you’re surrendering all rights to privacy in perpetuity and it still doesn’t f**king work.
Finding your way around
Maps still exist. So do street signs. You used to have a rough idea where you were all the time. That skill’s long-atrophied, replaced by blindly following Google Maps until you arrive, blinking and disorientated, at your destination. If you run out of battery or there’s no bars you can be six streets away and totally f**ked.
Going to the pub
Even the simple act of nodding in the direction of the pub and grunting ‘pint?’ has been ruined by Silicon Valley. These days it’s all WhatsApp and scrolling through memes you’ve already seen and videos you’ll never watch to find where and when you’re meeting and if that arsehole Gavin will be there.
Getting rejected
Getting shot down was a character-building element of the dating game. It honed your flirting skills, thickened your skin and made pulling all the sweeter. But now it’s all online, and you’re flicking through five dating apps and being cut dead on all of them. It still hurts, but it’s more blunt trauma.
