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Independent Scotland will not be allowed to use British oxygen

BRITISH oxygen molecules that drift into an independent Scotland must be sent back immediately, it has been claimed.

The leaders of the three main political parties warned that an independent Scotland would have no automatic right to use Britain’s sovereign gases.

Prime minister, David Cameron, said: “If the Scottish Nationalists think there is going to be a free flow of gases back and forth across the border then it’s obvious they know very little about the nature of gas.

“Gases like to stay put. In much the same way as water.”

Nick Clegg, the self-styled ‘deputy prime minister’, said: “I would prefer to breathe Franco-German oxygen. I also think that Scottish people should breathe Franco-German oxygen, I just don’t think they should be allowed to breathe British oxygen if they’re not British anymore.

“So, anyway, that’s what I think.”

Meanwhile, Labour’s Ed Miliband warned: “We’ll know if you’ve breathed our oxygen because, when we get it back, it won’t be oxygen anymore. It’ll be carbon dioxide.

“I used to be the energy minister, so I’m basically a scientist.”

Bill McKay, from Edinburgh, said: “Oh well, that’s that. You can’t just ‘make’ oxygen. Or maybe you can.

“I’ve really no idea.”

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
In 1989 an MC said to put your hands in the air at a rave. 14 years later, they’re starting to get a bit numb.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Planning this year’s summer trip in Somerset, you release a white dove and see if it comes back with a bit of holiday cottage in its beak.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week you learn the opossum was named by a biologist disappointed to have discovered just another possum.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You’re a 20-a-day man, whether we’re talking about cigarettes, pints of lager or sudden stabbing sensations down your left-hand side.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If you really didn’t want your daughter growing up to be a stripper, was giving her a double-barrelled forename – where one of them had a ‘y’ where an ‘i’ should be – a good idea?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your job application to the Foreign Office is unsuccessful after you suggest that Nigeria is ‘a place with loads of blokes called Nigel in it’.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If Russia is so anti-gay, why is so much of it devoted to Steppes?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You hate that Vine clip of Gove falling over that’s doing the rounds, mainly because he’s not falling into a skip full of snakes.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
If you only see one film this year, you’ll first have to find your way out of the gimp cellar you’re currently locked in.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
As you patiently explain to the person in HR during your disciplinary hearing, you cannot possibly be a racist as you used to love Rusty Lee when she was on the telly.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You were bullied all the way through school. And at university. And, thinking about it, throughout your working life. Actually, give me your wallet, you little tit.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your face and my arse. Behind the bins. 10 minutes.

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