GOD has hailed a breakthrough in curing blind mice using stem cells as ‘mental’.
The deity said: “I was like, they’ve done what? No way. That is mental.
“At first I felt quite wrathful – why are these scientists playing me?
“But then I realised this was a really good thing and I shouldn’t be a tit about it.”
BRITONS have been advised to enjoy life in the final hours before a million-megaton blast of bullshit is unleashed.
‘Babypocalypse’ experts have told Britons to leave work immediately and go with their loved ones to a beauty spot where they can spend these last fleeting moments of normality in quiet contemplation.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We can’t say for sure how your life will change after today, but change it will and not for the better.
“This birth is like the Cuban missile crisis, except it’s not going to be averted.
“Once that child comes out of that vagina, nothing will be the same again.
“Leave work immediately. Visit or phone the people you care about.
“You might want to spend your ‘final hours’ in a calm, reflective state – or just go nuts with shagging, drugs and maybe some light destruction of property.
“If you are single, perhaps find an attractive stranger and ask them if they fancy doing it on the roof of a bus.
“The impending doom will make millions of us into wanton sexual libertines.
“But whatever you do today, make it count.”
