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Five fantastic new emojis just for Guardian readers

EXISTING emojis are fine for plebs, but don’t convey the complex feelings of Guardian readers. As Apple launches more than 200 new ones, here are some just for them.

Sad face because your child will only eat white bread

You longed for a child who would happily eat olives, or herring pickled by artisan Norwegians, offering excellent humblebragging opportunities. Sadly, your little one is obsessed with bland white bread and shows little interest in the recipes of Yotam Ottolenghi.

Clenched jaw in response to unwoke micro-aggression

Keeping on top of your virtue signalling against unwoke lapses on social media is almost a full-time job – there’s a lot of it about. Ease the strain on your fingertips with this all-purpose, tailor-made emoticon.

Raised eyebrow of condescension at a popular film

What’s wrong with films these days? All these entertaining superhero movies and silly sci-fi things? Why can’t there be more about the climate crisis or the plight of the Uighurs? Establish your right-on credentials and intellectual superiority with one tap on your screen.

Howl of pained anguish at the patriarchy and capitalism still running the world

This takes ages to type, so this distraught emoji is a real time-saver. Highlights the fact that you aren’t stupid enough to keep voting for the same appalling governments – like most people – while freeing up time for you to read another pointless article about lockdown yoga in the Guardian lifestyle section.

Smug face letting everyone know you’ve done something ethical

This range of emojis consists of yellow smiley faces doing ethical things like buying Fairtrade coffee or putting the recycling out. Use them frequently.

Why cases are actually declining, by a moronic lockdown sceptic

DO you stupidly believe there’s a connection between lockdown measures and falling infection rates? Lockdown sceptic Wayne Hayes explains what’s really sending the virus packing.

Covid’s just really tired

The virus has been grafting non-stop for roughly a year now, so it’s probably decided to put its little feet up and enjoy a well-earned rest. I’ve also helped to tire it out by having regular late-night parties so it can never get any kip, a good deed which my neighbours and the government have yet to thank me for.

Our protests scared it off

I might have agreed with the Black Lives Matter protests in principle, but there was no need for them to get so cross with the police. To show them how it’s done, I protested against Covid-19 by staying indoors and getting drunk while watching TV for a few months. I think the results speak for themselves.

The virus doesn’t really exist

Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, whenever I suggest the virus doesn’t actually exist snowflakes bury their heads in their hands and tell me to shut up, which means I must be onto something. This is also how I decide I’ve won the many arguments I get into on the internet.

Aliens

The science of lockdowns is bullshit, whereas aliens are real or there wouldn’t be so many blockbuster science fiction movies about them. Is it too much of a stretch to imagine that they invaded Earth without us noticing and zapped the virus with their ray guns? After all, the simplest explanation is usually the right one.

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