GWYNETH Paltrow is to move in next door to Meghan and Harry and create a vortex of bland wellness that will devour the entire earth. 

The former actress turned lifestyle guru is buying the house next to the former actress, princess and aspiring lifestyle guru in a move expected to trigger a beige singularity of bullshit which will swallow everything.

Montecito resident Joe Turner said: “From their first chat over the garden fence we’re doomed. Their vapid philosophies of holistic health will consume us all.

“Gwyneth will ask if Meghan’s tried popping peridot crystals into her vagina. Meghan will counter with a jar of homemade damson jam. They’ll arrive at the notion simultaneously: ‘We must do a podcast!’

“And from their first fawning words that podcast will doom humanity. As they obsess about yoga pants, statement vases, clean beauty, CBD casserole dishes and contaminent-reducing water bottles, the world will collapse into a maelstrom of high-priced twee.

“Harry will be sitting there, head in hands, wishing he had Chris Martin to talk to. That’s the depth of the nightmare we’re entering.”

He added: “On the other hand, don’t they both look wonderfully youthful and groomed. Don’t you wish you knew their secret.”