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Your guide to dealing with the aftermath of a one-night stand

ONE-NIGHT stands can be tricky. Should you sneak off like a criminal before they wake up or sit down for a full English with their parents? Our handy guide will help.

Remember where you left your clothes

If you decide to sod off without saying goodbye, don’t end up having a 15-minute game of ‘find the pants’. Somehow that’s more embarrassing than shagging a complete stranger who says weird things during sex.

Don’t ask them what their name is

You will probably have forgotten their name the second you necked your seventh Jägerbomb, but they don’t need to know that. Also, calling them ‘mate’ will immediately clear up any confusion that this might be a continuing romance.

Don’t feign interest in them just to be polite

If you never want to see them again, don’t try to salve your guilt by pretending to admire their vast collection of rubbish action movies or commemorative Harry and Meghan thimbles. Instead say ‘Thanks!’ briskly and leg it.

Look for subtle clues that they just want you to fuck off home

Your temporary sex partner might want you to leave immediately rather than hang around all day eating their crisps and poking around their flat. Be receptive to signals such as them looking incredibly pissed off.

Lie about how amazing it was

Friends will demand to hear the salacious details of your steamy romp. If the sex was crap maintain your dignity by describing a particularly hot porn movie instead. It’s also sexier if you don’t mention you’re now totally paranoid about STDs.

 

Would your partner rather go out with their phone than you?

EVERYONE loves their smartphone, but are you concerned your partner would rather have a relationship with it than you? Take our quiz and find out.

You are watching a film together. Does your partner:

A) Watch the film.

B) Spend the entire time looking at reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, tweeting about it and googling members of the cast they’ve “seen in something else”, then act as if it’s a massive achievement to identify Amy Adams.

Your partner is in the mood for sex. Do they:

A) Give you a cheeky wink and ask whether you fancy an ‘early night’.

B) Claim they’re exhausted and head upstairs with their phone whispering, “At last we can be alone, my sweet.”

How does your partner spend their evenings?

A) Talking to you about what to watch on Netflix, how your day has been and perhaps joking about whose turn it is to take the bins out.

B) Having long ‘conversations’ with people they don’t know on other people’s Facebook pages and watching YouTube videos of skateboarding animals with an expression of utter devotion on their face.

You go for a meal with your partner. Do they:

A) Listen intently to your opinion on the chicken jalfrezi.

B) Spend the entire evening in a state of agitation because they are desperately trying NOT to check their notifications. When you go to the toilet they furtively update their social media to proudly tell everyone they’re having a phone-free evening.

Your partner gets a promotion. What do they do?

A) Call you straight away to share the news.

B) Post it on Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram, Snapchat their mates about it and set up a WhatsApp group called ‘I GOT A PROMOTION’, then casually tell you about it the next day.

Mostly As: Good news – your partner loves you more than their phone. Discourage them from getting a snazzy new one just in case.

Mostly Bs: You are facing stiff competition from your partner’s phone. Try showing them amusing pictures of cats, listing 16 things you can do with an avocado and making beeping noises to get their attention.

 

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