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Woman desperate to live with her disgusting boyfriend

A WOMAN who luxuriates in clean towels, fresh linen and delicately scented candles is desperate to live with her foul, belching pig of a boyfriend. 

Lauren Hewitt, aged 29, cannot wait to leave her clean and fragrant home to move in with 30-year-old Tom Logan, whose flat resembles those bailiffs break into to discover the tenant died six months earlier.

Hewitt said: “Tom’s place just needs a woman’s touch. Once I’ve demonstrated how the washing machine works I’m sure he’ll love using it.

“When I first saw it, after he assured me he’d not been burgled, I was reassured. It meant he was definitely single. And making an actual table out of Domino’s boxes does show ingenuity.

“But despite thinking the ketchup bottle on his bedside table was a sex thing for three months, until he told me that’s just where he keeps it, nothing could make me happier than moving in and buying him a second towel.

“I know that our love will never die, unlike the house plants and the mouse that was at the bottom of the kitchen bin, for which he does not use bin liners because they’re unnecessary.

“If we live together, we could even shower together. It’s not that I find it erotic but it would get him in the shower.”

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Why the answer to our childcare issues is a sexy Italian girl moving in: A husband pitches an au pair

CARING husband Stephen Malley has noticed his wife is struggling to balance work and childcare and, like a hero, has come up with a gorgeous Mediterranean solution: 

“Au pairs are cheap”

I agree, childcare is far too expensive. Well, as long as she’s got a place to sleep – I could see her yawning as sunlight streams into our spare room – our au pair will be half the cost. Qualifications aren’t an issue. Looking after children will come naturally to her, because she’s from a spicy Catholic country.

“It’s round-the-clock care” 

She’d be living with us, have I mentioned that? So that means 24-7 help with the children. You could go out for a night with the girls and I wouldn’t be left babysitting, because she’d be there with her olive skin, raven hair and a simple gold crucifix pendant dangling.

“We’d have a young presence in the house” 

We’re both older – you’d have noticed the distinguished grey at my temples if you weren’t always busy with the kids – and lost some of our edge. A charismatic young Roman would help us to reconnect to youth culture that isn’t Bluey. Maybe I’ll take up running again to keep up with her and buy new, more fashionable clothes.

“The children will be bilingual” 

You always dreamed of our children being raised to speak multiple languages, I think, I wasn’t really listening, and with a sultry au pair they’ll soon be chattering away in Italian, Spanish or really any language associated with passionate women and loose social mores.

“All our friends will be jealous” 

My mates and I have often discussed, down the pub, the upsides and downsides of various childcare options and come to the balanced assessment that there are no disadvantages to hiring a young woman to come live with us. Italian for preference, but Scandinavian, French, Dutch are all acceptable. Once rigorously screened.

“I’ll handle the admin’ 

It would be too much for you to deal with her employment contract, paying her, visiting her room in the evenings for performance assessments, acclimatising her by taking her out to see British culture and so on. So I’ll deal with all that. I expect to be very hands-on. So what do you say? Are you ready to look at this shortlist of candidates I’ve drawn up?

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