subscribe
/ Sign Out

Totally unreasonable girlfriend always wanting to do things

A MAN’S domineering girlfriend is always making him do some pointless thing like going to a local festival or trying a new balti place, it has emerged.

Relentless shrew Nikki Hollis is constantly seeking out ‘interesting’ and ‘fun’ activities for her and partner Tom Logan when they could be watching telly and ordering takeaways instead.

Logan said: “Every weekend we’re going to a new restaurant or checking out a new bar. It’s an absolute nightmare.

“Last weekend it was some live music event, where she said we didn’t have to stay long, and if the bands were crap there was a craft beer tent where I could have a few drinks. She just won’t stop thinking of herself.

“It’s stopping me living my life. Last night we had a romantic Italian meal followed by sex when there was an episode of Cop Dogs: Customs Unit I wanted to watch again.

“It’s all about Nikki. She got us tickets for a back-to-back screening of Taxi Driver and Goodfellas on the wild assumption that a 36-year-old man would like that sort of thing.

“Now she’s encouraging me to spend ‘a day at the races’ with ‘all my mates’. I’m just praying this non-stop whirlwind of activity will stop and I can get my life back.”

Modern train seats designed to make the office seem like a relief

MODERN train seats have been made purposefully hard and uncomfortable so that arriving in the office seems like an escape from hell.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies said: “Humans love sitting on cushioned surfaces. If you add the consumption of crisps to that, it’s as good as life on earth gets.

“It therefore seems confusing that when we’re required to sit for long stretches other humans would design a chair more uncomfortable than small talk with Theresa May.

“In order to purchase our own soft seats we have to stay in a building from 9am to 5pm at the behest of someone who takes credit for your work and bollocks you when things go wrong.

“Clearly its not a great set up so some genius has decided to make train journeys so unbelievably shit that arriving into the office feels like being drunk in a Jacuzzi.

“One interesting feature of the new train seats is they really retain the heat generated by the previous occupants bum which manages to be both nice and absolutely disgusting.”

Brubaker added: “With traffic at a standstill the only alternative is buying a horse and riding into work, plus eating Frazzles on a galloping stallion looks fantastic.”

Next story ›