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"No-one suffers more from my commitment phobia than I do"

A COMMITMENT-PHOBIC man has explained the condition which has condemned him to a life of meaningless hook-ups and serial infidelity deserves nothing but sympathy. 

Tom Logan has explained to Sophie Rodriguez, who he has been dating for the last year, that he cannot help his genuine terror of commitment and that he is the real victim in this situation.

He said: “I struggle with the idea of a long-term, monogamous relationship – and, oh dear Lord, it is a struggle.

“I am powerless not to panic and push away any woman who suggests moving in, going exclusive or staying overnight after sex. It’s not me, you see, it’s my issues and they are beyond my control.

“Don’t you think I would love nothing more than to have a beautiful girlfriend who I didn’t cheat on? To look in her eyes knowing that I wasn’t sleeping with my ex, my other ex, and her best friend? Yet I never can.

“It is psychological torment to never be able to settle, to never face that which I desire and fear the most. The prospect of being stuck forever with one woman who ages while preventing me from shagging others terrifies me, for reasons I can’t quite pinpoint.

“And Sophie, if you truly love me, why would you want me to be scared?”

Six movies retrospectively ruined by Donald Trump cameos

PRESIDENT Trump not only believes himself a politician but an asset to the silver screen. Avoid watching any of these unless you want an unexpected jump-scare: 

Home Along 2: Lost in New York (1992) 

Trump’s second appearance on screen – his first was in a movie about Bo Derek having sex with a ghost billionaire, for which he won a Golden Raspberry – and his best-known. In terrible casting, he isn’t one of the inept money- and revenge-obsessed thieves but Donald Trump, who gives a child directions through Trump Plaza. Without boasting ‘I own it.’ Unconvincing.

The Associate (1996) 

Whoopi Goldberg comedy where she masquerades as a white man to make it on Wall Street, at one point making a deal with Trump. At this point the bulk of his businesses had gone bankrupt, so playing a successful millionaire on screen was very much casting against type.

Celebrity (1998) 

One of Woody Allen’s least successful films features Trump claiming he plans to buy the iconic St Patrick’s Cathedral in Manhattan and ‘doing a little rip-down job and putting up a very, very tall and beautiful building’. May have improvised his own dialogue, it being exactly the kind of shit he spews.

54 (1998) 

Movie chronicling the legendary New York disco hotspot Studio 54, which Bianca Jagger rode into on a white horse, where Rod Stewart would hit the dancefloor high on a brand of poppers called Cum, and where Donald Trump was a regular attendee. Doesn’t sound so much fun now, does it? That glowering, miserable face in the VIP booth?

Zoolander (2001) 

Trump popping up to say ‘Without Derek Zoolander, male modelling wouldn’t be what it is today,’ is a blast of cold sewage in the face when you’re watching a fun, mindless comedy. Given it also has cameos roles for Heidi Klum, Victoria Beckham, Paris Hilton and Lil’ Kim, it seems that Trump was just one more vainglorious dickhead who answered the phone.

Two Weeks Notice (2002) 

A pleasant romcom in which Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock pair rather well until an unpleasant scene on a yacht where Trump, unafraid to be stereotyped, plays himself as an asshole. The scene’s included to show that Grant’s character may be a selfish twat businessman but he could be far, far worse, which it manages admirably.

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