A MIDDLE-AGED mum who recently met someone new online is horrifically enthusiastic about telling her children how satisfying her sex life is.
Carolyn Ryan joined a dating website aimed at older people and has been graphically describing the rampant, experimental sex she has been having with her new lover.
Son Oliver Ryan, aged 26, said: “It’s weird enough thinking about your mum having sex with your dad, so I definitely don’t want to imagine her going at it hammer and tongs with a retired bank manager called Brian.
“Does she really have to share it with me by calling to tell me not to forget to come for dinner on Sunday and also that they did it three times last night, which would have been four if Brian hadn’t had to stop and take his angina pills?
“She went on to say they were planning a trip to Ann Summers that afternoon, so they could buy a pair of crotchless knickers and some love eggs. I’m pleased she’s happy, but her happiness makes me wish I was an orphan.”
Carolyn Ryan said: “Poor Oliver is just jealous because I’ve done the reverse double penetration cowgirl and he hasn’t.”