THERE are worse times to be alone; March to June 2020 was f**king rough, for example. But New Year’s Eve is a hard time for the single man or woman. This is how to survive:
Pre-drink
There’s no time period on pre-drinks. They can begin at 10am if you want and, if you’re going to a small gathering with eight friends all of whom are coupled up, they should. ‘I’m too drunk to be in a relationship’ is always a valid excuse.
Look into single activities
It’s never too late to rock up at singles’ paintballing or beginner salsa, unless you start looking at 1pm on NYE. Then it is too late. Instead, think about activities you can do alone, like a hike through hills, dancing like nobody is watching, or frenziedly masturbating in front of the telly. Then do the last one because it’s one thing couples definitely can’t do.
Join a larger group
Using intoxication as camouflage, mingle in a bar and when a big group of noticeably pissed people arrives, get in the middle of them. Ask a few people what they’re drinking and get a tray of sambucas regardless. You’re now their friend. Leave your old life behind without regret.
Dodge the kiss
In days past, the dreaded post-midnight kiss was your Pernod-reeking granny. Now it has to be your one, true beloved, or at least someone you’ve been seeing for a fortnight. Ignore this dastardly Americanism clearly designed to force everyone into capitalist conformity and pretend to have received an important text. From your mum. Reading ‘Happy New Year!’
Get off with someone later
Now that meaning-freighted New Year kiss is out of the way, you’re free to snog someone entirely unsuitable who you’ve no intention of ever seeing again. This demonstrates to everyone what a free spirit you are, and that you make poor choices.
Get back on the apps
Really? Honestly? It’s all the horrible hungover seeking to get back at partners for New Year drama. Settle in for another year alone.
