Do you actually like your friends? Take our quiz

DO YOU waste time with the people you call ‘friends’ without ever asking yourself if you actually enjoy their company? Find out:

They send you a Whatsapp. What do you do?

A) Reply instantly, hoping to begin a lengthy back-and-forth that will enliven both of your days
B) Carefully avoid clicking on the message so the ticks don’t go blue and they don’t know you’re there. Suddenly remember you haven’t responded three days later and write a half-arsed message about how busy you are

They’re calling you. How do you react?

A) Stop what you’re doing and answer, even if you’re in the middle of something important, like a big work project, watching I’m A Celebrity, or having a wank
B) Mutter ‘Christ, not now,’ and let the call ring out, heavy with the knowledge you’ll have to phone them back at some point or worse still, listen to a voicemail

They suggest meeting up some time in the future. How do you react?

A) Whenever wherever for one-on-one funtimes, you can’t wait
B) Rope in as many other people as possible in the hope you’ll never manage to coordinate your diaries and if it does eventually happen, at least their company will be diluted

You’ve just been hanging out with them. What now?

A) Probably going to hang out with them again some more
B) Sigh in relief that you’ve ticked off spending time with them and can legitimately avoid seeing them again for another six months or so

Entirely by accident and not at all your fault, you’ve killed someone. Can you count on your friend to help dispose of the body?

A) Absolutely, and they’ll even make the trip to B&Q to collect the necessary supplies on your behalf
B) Yeah, but then they’ll want to hang out all the time and you won’t be able to say no because of everything they’ve done, and you might even get sent to prison together, so better to lug the body to the bath and start mixing the acid alone

ANSWERS

Mostly As: You’ve found a kindred spirit. Keep putting in the time with them because this friendship will last until you’re old and grey.

Mostly Bs: This person is not a friend, they are an obligation. Find a suitably passive-aggressive way to eject them from your life, like moving continent and not telling them.

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How to be as annoying as possible when living in an upstairs flat

DO you have downstairs neighbours? Do you want to make their lives a misery no matter what hour of the day or night? Here’s what to do:

Get a massive sound system

When living in close proximity with others, the most thoughtful thing you can do is invest in a f**k-off huge stereo system. Put wooden speakers on a wooden floor and pound out dubstep at 3pm, 3am, and every time inbetween.

Wear tap shoes

Or any shoes with a hard sole – work boots, stilettos, wooden wedges – to simulate a herd of elephants roaming magnificently but emphatically across the savannah. Get a pair of roller blades to torture them further.

Have children

You think your children are annoying, but try being the people who live below the endless ceiling-shaking games of Floor Is Lava at 6am while you catch an extra couple of hours’ rest. If they complain they’re miserable child-haters, not reasonable people who just want some sodding sleep.

Argue

Due to the strange magnifying effect of your floorboards, what is to you a minor flare-up sounds like all-out domestic war downstairs. The combination of distress and anger will lead them to call the police, and then you can go down and shout at them for being nosy.

Develop a palette of mystery noises

More infuriating than recognisable noises are those that can’t be pinned down. Try setting up some sort of intermittent electrical hum or get up and shuffle about on one spot at 2.30am. By being both annoying and baffling your neighbour’s torment will be fathomless.

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