SAD you can’t make a self-congratulatory social media post about your relationship today? Here are six other pathetically attention seeking ways to behave:
Send yourself a Valentine from the dog
There is nothing more feeble than pretending to be surprised when opening a card proclaiming ‘I Labradore you’, allegedly sent by the beast whose shit you have to pick up. Your dog may not be able to read words, but he can definitely detect the shame in your eyes as you write it.
Make a big deal of Galentine’s Day
If you have celebrated Galentine’s Day instead of Valentine’s Day this week, you need to have a very stern word with yourself and admit you’ve only showered your friends with gifts so you can show off about it on Insta. Your ex won’t see the photos and be filled with regret over letting you go, they’ll just breathe a sigh of relief to be rid of you and your inane bullshit.
Rant about how Valentine’s Day is consumerist nonsense
Or you could go the other way and alienate all your friends by shitting on the things they enjoy. When they send photos of romantic cards and heart-shaped boxes of chocolates to the group chat, reply with vomiting emojis and say something about the evils of commodifying love. They won’t reply but instead bitch about you in the secret, smaller group where they go to slag you off.
Buy flowers for yourself
Like Miley Cyrus, you can buy yourself flowers. But unlike Miley Cyrus, you aren’t a multimillionaire who can order expensive bunches from boutique florists, so the sad posey of roses you purchased from Asda will last approximately two days before drooping and slowly dying. They’re basically a metaphor for all your previous relationships.
Emphasise that your children are your true loves
Take a picture of your bombsite of a kitchen after your kids finish breakfast, caption it ‘This is real love’ and stick it on social media. That will show everyone fannying around with hearts and flowers how superior you are to them. Everyone knows romantic love is silly and shallow compared to that of an infant who has no choice but to live with you. Weird it’s only got two likes, but that’s not because you’ve come across as quite bitter since your wife left you. Definitely not.
Ritually burn your ex’s stuff
Move over public displays of affection, it’s time for public displays of rage. Making a TikTok of yourself burning photos, letters and a pair of pants your ex left behind when they dumped you will garner you not only attention, but the same amount of concern directed at the deeply unsuited couple who have decided to get engaged this Valentine’s Day. Hopefully your friends will stage an intervention. You need one.
