ARE you a newsreader who’s suddenly having to report on the Trump presidency as if it’s not just chaotic bullshit cooked up by a lunatic and his weird tech bro? Here’s how to remain professional:
Keep a straight face
You may feel like bursting out in incredulous laughter as you report on a US government department named ‘Doge’ after a meme about a dog, but don’t. Elon Musk will find out and, after he’s paid for Tommy Robinson to become life president of the UK in four years’ time, you’ll be out on your ear. Or in prison with your terrorist buddies, if you work for the BBC.
Stay on script
While it might be tempting to stop reading the teleprompter and instead say ‘What the actual f**k is this bullshit?’ as you talk about Donald Trump arbitrarily deciding to ‘own’ Gaza, that isn’t what you’re paid to do. Just say the words and try not to think about their meaning, or you will go mad because you have to do it multiple times a day.
Don’t side-eye interviewees
When you have a Republican politician on your show praising Musk and Trump for dismantling the US foreign aid department full of Hamas supporters, try not to let your face show that you think they are an absolute f**king nutjob. You’ve been trained for this, but it will still be hard, so mentally picture something boring, like weeding the garden, and hope your face remains neutral.
Stay polite
It’s unfortunate that the people who actually get to talk to politicians have to remain civilised. If you met Keir Starmer in a pub and he refused to say Trump was a terrifying dickhead, you’d ask him if he’d lost his f**king mind. Unfortunately you can’t do that while presenting Sky News, unless you want to be blacklisted from broadcasting forever, even though your viewers would love it if you did.
Don’t put on a silly voice
While the ‘Department of Government Efficiency’ sounds vaguely plausible, the acronym ‘Doge’ is incredibly embarrassing, and it will feel humiliating to say, especially because Musk and his tech bro wanker pals are making you do it for the lulz. Unfortunately you’re going to have to resist the urge to put on a stupid voice or do air quotes to demonstrate how much contempt you have for it. Which is a shame, but you’ve got a big mortgage to pay, so you’ll have to suck it up.
Consider a new career
If you really can’t bear to keep talking about this world-destabilising nonsense day in, day out for the next four years, or forever, depending on where American democracy ends up, why not jack it in and get another job? Seriously, working in an abattoir would probably less mentally and emotionally traumatising.
