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Pope posthumously named Pope of the Year

THE late Pope Francis has been posthumously named as Pope of the Year by Time Magazine. 

The prestigious award, which covers the traditional Easter-to-Easter papal season, has been awarded to the deceased pontiff in recognition of his ‘fantastic work in leading the Catholic Church’.

Time’s editor-in-chief Helen Archer said: “At the end of the day, who else?

“Pope Francis, God bless him, has been tirelessly working away as pope year after year with no thanks except the guarantee his immortal soul will be richly rewarded in heaven.

“He controversially read out different bits of the Bible to the previous pope, proving that he very much deserves this honour.”

Francis is believed to have easily beaten the only other name on the shortlist, Pope Benedict XVI, who lost out because he has not been pope since 2013.

Speaking via his emissaries in the Vatican, Francis said: “Wow. I honestly didn’t think I was going to win. I felt Demi Moore was the front-runner.”

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Keelhauling preferable to £1,000 fine for headphone dodgers, say commuters

BRUTAL nautical punishments would be a more fitting penalty for headphone dodgers than a £1,000 fine, commuters agree.

After the idea of a fine was floated by the Lib Dems, travellers subjected to the terrible music and conversations of people without headphones unanimously said being repeatedly dragged under the hull of a ship was better.

Commuter Martin Bishop said: “It sounds extreme. But if you’ve ever been the unwilling audience of a shit dance playlist or a never-ending speakerphone conversation, you’ll understand.

“Getting fined £1,000 won’t deter these pricks. If they flout the social norms of public transport then they’re obviously going to weasel out of paying a penalty. The only language they respect is pain.

“Sailor-related crimes have plummeted ever since keelhauling was introduced, so clearly it works. If it was brought back tomorrow I reckon the nation’s train carriages would be pin-drop quiet by July at the latest.”

Rail traveller Donna Sheridan said: “Keelhauling would be a good start. But I worry that flaying the half-drowned bodies of headphone dodgers across a ship’s barnacled hull doesn’t go far enough.

“Let’s not overlook beheading or crucifixion in our rampant bloodlust. And have we properly considered slamming these irritating twats in an iron maiden or horrific Native American tortures? It’s important we get this right.”

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