Lifestyle

BRITISH people are desperately trying to remember how to dress their hideous bodies in fabric tubes called clothes.

AS lockdown continues, you wish you were anywhere but home. What dreadful places might you be this weekend if you were unlucky enough to regain your freedom?

A NEIGHBOUR is playing Coldplay at full blast in his garden just as if the whole street were not at home with the windows open, unable to escape.

A WOMAN about to have her first virtual date has realised that she cannot remember how to do that make-up thing she used to do.

THE government has announced that from today, an exception to lockdown and social distancing rules will be made for anyone seriously gagging for it.

THE coronavirus has altered lifestyles so drastically that sitting around in a grubby bathrobe eating cake all day is now de rigueur. But how else will lockdown shape the hot trends for this summer?

FAMILIES who have been smugly enjoying their outdoor space are just as f**ked as the rest of Britain as soon as the weather is bad.

IN these difficult locked down times, it’s important to make sure you haven't completely lost your mind without even realising it. Here are some of the biggest warning signs to watch out for.

EVERYBODY feels horny at the moment, but is it due to the sap rising and buds swelling or just because you haven’t had a shag for weeks on end?

ARE you spending a lot of time on frustrating Zoom calls? Here is a guide to things you shouldn’t have in the background.