Lifestyle

SPRING out of bed at the crack of dawn? The world hates you. Here’s how morning twats make life a living hell for the rest of us.

BRITAIN’S over-40s have agreed that young people enjoying themselves must be outlawed now that they can no longer join in.

WERE you convinced that collecting some bullshit as a child would pay off in adulthood? Is your collection worth f**k all on eBay?

THE family next door surely cannot fit any more shit in their garden, say concerned neighbours.

MILLIONS of Britons will be holidaying in the UK this summer, meaning they risk missing out on the confusion, disappointment and inconvenience involved in travelling abroad. Here’s how to recreate it in Britain.

IT can be a challenge to navigate the transition to retirement while remaining militantly bigoted. Stay an intolerant prick in the twilight years with these tips.

THE UK public are relieved they did not have to rejoice or put up bunting because a posh, rich couple got married.

ARE you a wealthy middle-class person sick of getting grief from people with so-called 'real' problems? Prove that your life has as much hardship as anyone's:

A MAN who has quit smoking weed realises that he can no longer listen to any of the bands he previously enjoyed, from Genesis to Snoop Dogg.

A NEW mum who is out on the piss for the first time since giving birth keeps being distracted by questions about her sodding baby.