Lifestyle

IF you've been on a break outside the UK, you may now have to take a second, enforced holiday inside your own house. Here's how to make sure it's just as good as two weeks in Benidorm.

A WOMAN with clashing tan lines after wearing different tops all week is evening up her skin with strategically-placed gaffer tape.

A CYCLIST believes he is the envy of drivers who cannot stop looking at him after seeing the long snake of traffic that has formed behind his bicycle.

STAYCATIONERS are sending pathetic little postcards to family from places like Weston-super-Mare with pitiable pictures of Britain on the front

A WOMAN who used her immense savings to purchase a house is now under the impression that she is living in poverty.

RESEARCH has shown that sleeping apart can improve relationships, but what’s baffling is why anyone thought it was a good idea in the first place.

PUBLIC sex with strangers is nothing to be ashamed of, but class differences can still make the atmosphere in the car park rather awkward.

A WOMAN capable of finding wonder in all life’s hidden gifts is an absolutely unbearable tosspot.

OH dear, you’ve just drunkenly bought overpriced tat that you'll never use from eBay again, haven’t you? Clear your conscience with these tips:

A COUPLE eat their dinner so f**king late it is unbelievable, their friends have confirmed.