CARING husband Stephen Malley has noticed his wife is struggling to balance work and childcare and, like a hero, has come up with a gorgeous Mediterranean solution:
“Au pairs are cheap”
I agree, childcare is far too expensive. Well, as long as she’s got a place to sleep – I could see her yawning as sunlight streams into our spare room – our au pair will be half the cost. Qualifications aren’t an issue. Looking after children will come naturally to her, because she’s from a spicy Catholic country.
“It’s round-the-clock care”
She’d be living with us, have I mentioned that? So that means 24-7 help with the children. You could go out for a night with the girls and I wouldn’t be left babysitting, because she’d be there with her olive skin, raven hair and a simple gold crucifix pendant dangling.
“We’d have a young presence in the house”
We’re both older – you’d have noticed the distinguished grey at my temples if you weren’t always busy with the kids – and lost some of our edge. A charismatic young Roman would help us to reconnect to youth culture that isn’t Bluey. Maybe I’ll take up running again to keep up with her and buy new, more fashionable clothes.
“The children will be bilingual”
You always dreamed of our children being raised to speak multiple languages, I think, I wasn’t really listening, and with a sultry au pair they’ll soon be chattering away in Italian, Spanish or really any language associated with passionate women and loose social mores.
“All our friends will be jealous”
My mates and I have often discussed, down the pub, the upsides and downsides of various childcare options and come to the balanced assessment that there are no disadvantages to hiring a young woman to come live with us. Italian for preference, but Scandinavian, French, Dutch are all acceptable. Once rigorously screened.
“I’ll handle the admin’
It would be too much for you to deal with her employment contract, paying her, visiting her room in the evenings for performance assessments, acclimatising her by taking her out to see British culture and so on. So I’ll deal with all that. I expect to be very hands-on. So what do you say? Are you ready to look at this shortlist of candidates I’ve drawn up?
