MEN used to be in the pub when their kids were born, greet them with a firm handshake, then ignore them until they could kick a football. But modern dads are different. Like this.
Calling themselves ‘Daddy Day Care’
Despite doing about three per cent of the childcare, men will make bloody sure you know it when they’re solely responsible for a sprog for the afternoon. They’ve developed the habit of referring to themselves as ‘Daddy Day Care’ when they really mean ‘Daddy going round to my mum’s house so ‘Nana’ can watch the nipper while I have a cheese toastie and watch golf on TV’. Also, referencing an amazingly shit 2003 Eddie Murphy film is not the last word in cool.
Gushing Instagram posts
Another place the wanky fathers club share their tedious Daddy Day Care news is Insta, with gushing, blow-by-blow accounts of life with ‘my little princess’ or ‘the boy’, happily adopting the ‘document everything’ curse of social media with every scraped knee, visit to soft play and bowel movement. Or an image of a hideous baby resembling a baked potato or Steve McFadden with a sign saying, ‘Today I’m one week old!’ Stop, lads. Not even your relatives care.
Saying ‘We’re pregnant’
A great way of establishing you’re a wanky dad before your kid is even born. Normally said after handing you a canvas they’ve had made of ‘their’ 12-week scan. It’s just like being pregnant, isn’t it, apart from the morning sickness, swollen ankles, enforced sobriety and having to squeeze out a 7lb parasite. Still, the chairs in hospital are pretty uncomfortable, so they feel your pain.
Wearing a baby carrier
Modern dad can establish his wonderfulness with many products: ethical wooden toys, ‘babyccinos’ and £1000 Bugaboo prams with a coffee holder. But the pièce de résistance is the papoose/baby carrier. They might think it develops a bond with their child, but to be honest you just look like one of those zoologists who’s unhealthily attached to a baby chimpanzee. Just carry them on your shoulders and have them piss down your neck or puke on your head like a normal bloke.
Being friends with their kid
The status quo used to be that kids loved their mums and were terrified of their dads. But the modern dad isn’t there to hand out groundings, bollockings and the occasional smacked arse. No, today’s approach is to inflict far worse suffering with mateyness. Dads now want to be friends with their children, so phrases like ‘Hey buddy!’ have replaced the more traditional ‘Shut up, you’, ‘Don’t block the telly’ and ‘Go and ask your mother’. With such abysmal parenting, how will your little ones learn good dad skills too?
