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Tourists visiting Cotswolds for joy of ruining it for residents

A HUGE influx of tourists to the Cotswolds is only there because making the people who live in its villages miserable is such tremendous fun. 

Quaint villages of honeyed stone and £2.2 million cottages are being deluged by coachloads of visitors taking selfies on their doorsteps, stepping all over their precious cobbles and generally revelling in making a mockery of their affluent lives.

Francesca Ryan, who works in publishing but has a private income, said: “They stand at our windows filming TikToks about how much we hate them doing so. And they’re right.

“You can’t walk on the pavement without them blocking the pavement for the sheer joy of watching our pinched faces shudder with disgust at them blocking the pavement, but we can’t help it.

“Lottie who sells her jams in a darling little shop in the village because her husband runs a City hedge fund, had run out of stock by midday. All bought by hooligans saying ‘Look at the price of this f**king jam’ for their Instagram stories which get 300,000 likes.

“Don’t they understand they’re meant to gaze in silent awe at our comfortable lives? Not vault our gates and pose throwing gang signs by our carp ponds just to piss us off?”

Tourist Ryan Whittaker said: “I walked into one couple’s house, plonked myself on their handmade floral British sofa, put MAFS Australia on and sat there, Air Jordans on the coffee table, swigging from my can of Mango Loco Monster.

“They didn’t say anything. I don’t think they physically could.”

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Is your new neighbour secretly a drug kingpin you should report to the police? A quiz

NEW bloke moved in next door? Have his secretive ways caused you to suspect he’s running a narcotics empire from the other half of the semi? Find out: 

What makes you suspicious?

A) I’m naturally suspicious, while is why I’m chair and sole member of our Neighbourhood Watch scheme and regularly in contact with the local constabulary. Though they demand a bit too much evidence for my liking. ‘Arrest them, then get the evidence,’ I say.
B) He seems foreign and I’m no xenophobe but well, most of them are, aren’t they?

Do they have frequent visitors?

A) I’ve been keeping a log. Some days there’s no-one, but other days there might be three or four groups calling in. Last Wednesday, for instance, there were visitors at 11.23am, 2,17pm, 4.43pm and 6.31pm. He won’t get away with this.
B) No, but these drug barons are clever, I’ve seen it on Breaking Bad. He probably gets away with it by running a legitimate business as a front.

Are there unusual odours coming from the property? 

A) Yes, sometimes, though I struggle to put my finger on it. You know how someone else’s house smells different? Like that.
B) Yes, of foreign food. Curry, Chinese five spice, even garlic. All of which are virtually inedible, so are only being cooked to hide the distinctive whiff of a heroin processing factory.

What car does he drive?

A) A black BMW, tinted windows, personalised registration plate. He claims to have a position in finance, which corresponds with his LinkedIn and employment records, so he’s gone to some effort to set up his cover.
B) A buggered old Toyota Corrolla. Clearly a front for his illegal activities. Leaves at 7.45am and home by 6pm, Monday to Friday. Those are dealers’ hours.

Answers: 

Mostly As: You’ve got this county lines monster bang to rights. His nefarious narcotic activities are proven beyond doubt, except to the police. You’ll have to take the law into your own hands by tutting and being slightly unfriendly.

Mostly Bs: It would seem your neighbour is not technically a drug dealer but he remains under suspicion of being foreign. And we claim to have got Brexit done.

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