IF you’ve ever found yourself in a 24-hour Tesco, you may have been spooked by encountering the late-night shoppers that haunt the aisles. Here they are:
The single item customer
Contraceptives, alcohol, lifesaving medication: these are the only excusable items to be purchasing in isolation. Otherwise, there is no late-night sight that chills the blood colder than a grown man watching the conveyor belt carry his singular Müller corner.
The family
A family in a supermarket is not ordinarily an unsettling sight. But at midnight? This leaves more questions than answers, and answers you don’t necessarily want to hear.
The whistler
The post-apocalyptic mood of a supermarket during the early hours is bad enough. Nobody needs a melancholic old man whistling a tune from days gone by. Especially not next to the butchered meat.
The big shopper
Many will try to defend the idea of doing a Big Shop at night, with all sorts of lines about how much less crowded and stressful it is. However, there’s a reason Tesco isn’t rammed with people doing their Big Shops in the middle of the night. And it’s because it’s f**king bizarre.
The connoisseur
Cool, calm and collected, this cultured customer is in no rush to get home before sunrise. Weighing up the pros and cons of various sun-dried tomato brands is annoying at the best of times, but doing so in the path of the staff member trying to mop the floors is downright psychotic.
You
Yes, you. What makes you the most nightmarish of all the weirdos is that you think you’re the normal one. Whatever your excuse, if you find yourself in the fruit and veg aisle between the hours of 9pm and 6am, you’re just as bad as the rest of them.
