Pub staff and other people weirdly not excited about the Bank Holiday

EVERYONE agrees Bank Holidays are great, except for these miserable killjoys who weirdly do not get into the spirit.

Pub staff

A Bank Holiday means you can go out and get completely shitfaced up to three times in one weekend. Booze doesn’t magically materialise at your table though, it requires some poor bastard to dispense it and hand it to you. Pub staff might serve you with a smile, but they are being paid to do that and actually hate you for being utterly pissed at 11pm on a Sunday night.

Freelancers

Freelancers like to make a big deal about how their lifestyle means they can work at their own pace. In reality though this means they never have a second off and Bank Holidays are a thing of the past. If you know a freelancer whingeing today, rub it in by reminding them that they have to sort and file their own taxes.

Parents of young children

By the end of a normal weekend, parents of young children can’t wait to palm them off to school and escape to the relative sanctuary of work. But on Bank Holidays they’re forced to entertain them for an extra 24 hours. Every parent of young kids hopes the new Jubilee Bank Holiday isn’t permanent.

Residents of coastal towns

For most of the year, coastal towns are sleepy places and home to a reasonable number of people. Come summer and Bank Holidays, they transform into carnivals of drunken debauchery as swarms of out-of-towners descend like locusts. If seaside folk had their way it would be legal to shoot tourists on long weekends.

Bosses

Not only do bosses have to suffer the gross indignity of paying their employees to have the day off, they don’t have anything to show for it either. That’s why they’re more twattish than usual come Tuesday morning: it’s their way of reminding you that you’re still their bitch. Now knuckle down and work all evening to make up for the lost time.

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Dr Martens boots finish breaking in human

A PAIR of Dr Martens boots have finished turning their owner’s feet into bloody, misshapen slabs of meat, it has emerged.

Having been worn every day for the past month, the black Dr Martens 1460s have successfully restructured the feet of owner Kelly Howard so that she fits into them more comfortably.

Howard said: “I started by wearing the boots for short periods of time. This led to some initial painful bruising and blistering on the ankles, so I knew I was on the right track.

“I began to make real progress though when I kept them on for longer walks. I could hear the bones in my toes break one by one, and feel the bridge of my foot gradually and excruciatingly morph into that distinctive Dr Martens silhouette.

“I didn’t bother wearing thick hiking socks or plasters because that would only slow the process down. Plus the unyielding leather is excellent at soaking up blood, which is handy because there was lots of it.

“Now my feet look like disfigured flippers which can slither in and out of the boots with ease. And all it cost me was £149 and weeks of punishing agony. Time and money well spent.”

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