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Nick Drake, and other musicians men mistakenly think women are impressed by

TRYING to come across as sensitive and thoughtful to impress a date? Well, saying you like these musicians is absolutely not going to get you laid.

Radiohead

Do you know what really gets someone worked up and ready for loving? An in-depth lecture about the musical complexity of Kid A. Boring someone with a monologue about the courage it takes for a band to so consistently reinvent themselves is a surefire way of turning any vaguely romantic situation sour.

Nick Drake

You think that saying you’re a fan of a depressing singer-songwriter from the 70s will compensate for your massive character flaws and make someone want to sleep with you? Prepare to discover that you’re completely mistaken. No one, in the history of the world, has ever got laid simply because they own Pink Moon on vinyl.

Jeff Buckley

Wow, you’re aware of Jeff Buckley’s version of Hallelujah, one of the most popular songs of all time? Well done. Just be prepared for everything to go tits up when you show your ignorance by saying how original he is for doing a cover version of a song from Shrek.

Joni Mitchell

Finally, a break from the musical sausage-fest. Surely any lady worth their salt will be enamoured of the fact that you appreciate a woman can make music too? Unsurprisingly, despite thinking this makes you an open-minded feminist, having once listened to Blue isn’t quite the aphrodisiac you’d hoped it to be.

Bon Iver

Sweet buttery Christ. Saying you like Bon Iver is not a character trait. Everyone likes Bon Iver. Their music ranges from ‘fine’ to ‘good’. Saying you like Bon Iver is like saying you enjoy breathing and metabolising calories to survive. Absolutely no one will be impressed by this utterly vanilla opinion. Enjoy your lifetime of singledom.

'Very tired' couple leaving party clearly off for a shag

A COUPLE who spent an entire evening blatantly canoodling believe their excuse of leaving due to tiredness is actually convincing.

Stephen Malley and Carolyn Ryan made their debut as a couple at their mutual friends’ dinner party, arriving halfway through the main course due to ‘heavy traffic’ and proceeding to ignore all the other guests in favour of feeling each other up.

Host Kelly Howard said: “I guess me and Donna were like that once, though luckily we’ve now reached the stage where we shag perfunctorily once a fortnight. But I do hope we weren’t quite so f**king annoying about it.

“I tried to ignore them and keep the evening flowing, but it’s quite noticeable in a room of eight people if two of them are whispering the entire time. And giggling. It’s truly disgusting to see a grown man giggle.

“Maybe they should come up with some better excuses. Or work on their acting skills, because a tired person isn’t putting their tongue in someone else’s ear, you know? Or maybe they should just keep it in their pants for one bloody evening.”

Carolyn Ryan said: “Look, we know the excitement’s soon going to tail off into tedious, mechanical banging so we’re going at it like the absolute clappers while we still fancy each other.”

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