'No', man in Hawaiian shirt told

A MAN who believes the spring weather gives him licence to wear a Hawaiian shirt has been sternly corrected. 

Flamboyant dresser Tom Booker has been reprimanded by friends and passers-by for greeting relatively pleasant temperatures with a floral shirt more suited to the tropical climate of a Central Pacific archipelago.

Friend Stephen Malley said: “I’ve not shut Tom down because of his cultural insensitivity. He just looks like a massive dickhead.

“We’re only two days into April. The mercury is slowly inching up to 16 degrees. This is a time for T-shirts under denim jackets, maybe shorts if you’re one of those men and feeling adventurous.

“They’re only acceptable on holiday, during a prolonged spell of sweltering weather or at an office Hawaiian day if you work in a twat’s office. Even then, shirts decorated with little pineapples? Leave them to their target demographic of the closeted and divorced.”

Eyewitness Emma Bradford said: “Tom’s posing a visual hazard. I had to step into oncoming traffic in order to go over and tell him to put a hoodie over that gaudy shit.

“Also, wearing a Hawaiian today is goading the British weather into turning grey, showery and f**king freezing for the next six weeks. Don’t taunt it, you know how it gets.”

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British bellend desperate to get Cybertruck

A UK-based bellend is frustrated he cannot advertise his credentials as his area’s leading arsehole by driving a Tesla Cybertruck. 

Oliver O’Connor, aged 35, believes he would achieve his aim of being the most widely-detested wanker in Loughborough if only he could import the angular £73,000 vehicle.

He said: “Justin Bieber’s got one. Pharrell Williams. The top US twats wouldn’t be seen in anything else.

“But even though I make six figures a year from predatory capitalism, I can’t have one because they’re not road-legal for being so big and heavy and sharp-edged they’d kill anyone I collided with. Way to make it even more attractive, guys!

“Despite being one of Leicestershire’s leading knobheads, there’s a limit to how many people I can piss off in person. Ashamed to say there are pubs where they don’t even say ‘oh f**k, it’s him’ when I enter.

“By driving the Cybertruck I’d be broadcasting my innate unpleasantness to so many more. They’d talk about me in disparaging tones as far away as Birmingham.

“But instead, because of stupid laws, I’m just one more prick in a BMW.”