PICKED up your very own George Clooney? You’re about to discover the reality suffers a great deal more back pain – and is vocal about it – than the fantasy:
Sex
The risk of Viagra interfering with his heart medication is right there on the box. So when he’s out of breath, sweating, light-headed and making grunting noises, he’s either loving it or you should Google the location of the nearest defibrillator. Your expert fellatio needs to be matched by your expertise in CPR. If his heart’s skipping a beat, that could be arrhythmia.
Kink
The decades-deep age difference might put some categories of kink out of bounds. Calling him ‘Daddy’ and asking him to spank you may just bring to mind the adult daughter he’s not told about you yet. While moaning aloud his name, if it’s Nigel, Keith or Malcolm it will make you dryer than his skin.
Sleep
His daily disco nap gives him the energy for a bout of enthusiastic late rutting, if late means during News at Ten. He will have you up all night, but that’s with bi-hourly toilet visits. Still, he’s up for a shag after his 3am slash. What a blessing.
Money
The cliché of a silver-haired sugar daddy treating a cute young hottie to a five-star meal is real, but be prepared to discuss his pensions. Cash in the lump sum? Invest? He needs to retire because he can’t handle these bloody computers, but no need to worry because you’ve got decades of work in you yet? Not exactly a private jet, is it?
Telling people
How to describe your relationship? Gold-digger and victim? Age-gap sex monster and young innocent? The raised eyebrows of the other diners, the waiters and both sets of friends tell you nobody’s reserving judgement. When the nearby patrons whisper that it’s absolutely disgusting at his age, it at least reassures you that he’s definitely punching.
