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Man goes whole week without ejaculating for first time since 1995

A MAN has reached a key milestone in his journey towards respectable old age by getting through seven days and nights without shooting his load. 

Nathan Muir, aged 44, is both proud and concerned that for the first time since his early teens he has passed an entire week without committing self-abuse, though is not sure who to tell.

He said: “Not since Noel’s House Party was in its heyday have I has the stamina to wrestle the albino eel three times daily, but I was still at it daily until relatively recently.

“But it was only yesterday when I realised it had been a full week since I’d last taken hold of the old gigglestick and given it a proper throttling. It would seem this is middle age and I’ve lost my masturbation mojo.

“I was up late at the weekend watching repeats of The Old Grey Whistle Test but, despite some amazing Clapton fretwork, I never once felt the urge to stick my hand down my pants. Seems odd saying it, but I just sort of forgot to wank.

“I suppose I should clear the pipes semi-regularly to ward off prostrate problems, basic maintenance, that kind of thing, but it’s purely mechanistic. A pair of tits elicits little more than an acknowledging nod from me now.”

He added: “All those wanking years. I wonder what I saw in it.”

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Britons with f**k-all money hit hardest by bill rises, obviously

SINGLE-parent families, the chronically unemployed and anyone else without a pot to piss in will find higher household bills hard to afford, in case you f**king wondered. 

Rises in utility bills and council tax, both of which everyone has to pay, will be harder to afford for those on much lower incomes because as economists have helpfully explained, they have less money.

Dr James Bates said: “It might seem counter-intuitive. After all, if you’re a millionaire you have a much larger house that costs thousands to heat, as opposed to a one-room bedsit.

“But crucially, if you’re a millionaire you also have lots more money. And having more money makes rises in bills more affordable, because you have the money to pay them. Shout up if I’m losing you, I know this is complex stuff.

“That means these rises will also hit those in deprived areas, like the North, harder while barely touching those who own five-bedroom houses in Oxfordshire which seems unfair but is in fact capitalism.

“And I’m afraid it will also have a heavier impact on Britain’s ethnic minority population. Not because of racism or anything terrible like that, just because they earn less. Sorry guys.”

Jordan Gardner, aged 23, said: “Right, so it’s like if they doubled VAT on yachts and private jets I, working 18 hours a week in Spar, would be unaffected? Got it.

“Not that they’d ever do that, obviously.”

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