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Man committed to reaching ticket machine without opening car door

A DRIVER is committed to reaching a car park ticket machine without leaving his car or opening the door, no matter the cost. 

With cars lining up behind him, shopper Stephen Malley has pledged to get the ticket in the machine from as close to a seated position as possible.

Straining through his open window, Malley said: “I don’t need to get out. If I lean right up against the door, tear every muscle in my arm and p*ss off the 30 other drivers waiting behind me it should be just fine.

“I’m touching the slot. Come on, get in there, you f*cker.

“I suppose I could cut short this ridiculous charade and just hop out of the car, but that would be giving up. It’s a matter of pride now. A man’s pride.” 

Prior to leaving the car park, Malley had circled for over 20 minutes to get a space nearer to the supermarket he was visiting, before doing his shopping in a completely random fashion that wasted loads of time.

Dog owner satisfied with picking up most of turd

A DOG owner is satisfied with the job she did of picking up 70 percent of a sh*t and leaving a good-sized chunk on the pavement.

After Emma Bradford’s golden retriever Sandy produced a large poo during a walk, she collected most of it in a plastic bag but left a substantial fecal hazard for the general public.

Bradford said: “You hear about people getting terrible back problems, so I don’t like bending over too much. Also it’s tiring. The important thing is I bagged up the biggest bit. 

“A little bit on the pavement is fine because it’s all part of the ecosystem. I’m sure the rain instantly washes it into the soil where it nourishes the plants. Maybe squirrels use it as cement to build their squirrel houses.  

“There’s probably even a species of bird that eats dog poo. So people should look at the bigger environmental picture instead of getting upset about stepping in it.”

Neighbour Wayne Hayes said: “I just stepped in the turd in my new trainers. I’m sure Emma won’t mind if I flick her dog’s sh*t back into her ecosystem, or ‘driveway’ as I call it.”

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