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MPs vote to kick Boris in the nuts pre-emptively

THE House of Commons has voted to give Boris Johnson a solid boot in the stones before he even starts. 

A clear majority of MPs backed an amendment to not even say anything and just kick the incoming prime minister hard in the nadsack, leaving him curled on the floor gasping for breath. 

Julian Cook, Tory MP for Swindon South, said: “Theoretically it could be Jeremy Hunt, if he wins the leadership contest and actually has nuts. But we all know it’ll be Boris. 

“We’ll see how much chutzpah and charisma he’s got when he’s writhing on the carpet clutching his testicles in agonising pain. And optimism. Don’t forget optimism. 

“17 of Boris’s fellow Tories volunteered to unexpectedly hold his arms at the end of a corridor while the chosen striker takes a run-up. Four cabinet ministers have confirmed they would stand by, arms folded, and let it happen. 

“Who the actual b*llock-kicker will be is undecided. Probably one of the SNP. In this area you’ve got to defer to the Scots’ authority.” 

Cook added: “As a bonus there’ll be no sex scandals for the first fortnight. Which gets us about halfway through Boris’s time in office.”

The best sports for avoiding your family and your problems

EXERCISE is great for your mental wellbeing because you can hide from your family and your problems in a cowardly way. Here are the best sports for avoiding real life.

Golf 

It takes around three hours to play 18 holes. That’s long enough to almost forget you’ve got a family and imagine you’re still single and in your 20s, even though you’re surrounded by paunchy middle-aged blokes like yourself discussing their net worth.

Marathons 

Marathons take months to train for, which is a fantastic amount of time away from your domestic hell. And if you really crack up, you’ll be able to run and run like Forrest Gump and start a new life somewhere far away like Inverness.

Triathlons 

Like a marathon, but with two other disciplines you’ll be away from home more than an oil rig worker. Training for a triathlon is also so mentally demanding you just won’t have time to think about how sh*t your job is and how your life has gone horribly, horribly wrong. 

Fishing 

With no actual exercise to speak of and mainly consisting of sitting on a riverbank, fishing is a perfect opportunity to dwell on all the ways life might have turned out. This will either make you very depressed, or you’ll go rushing back to your family in terror at what might have actually happened, eg. sitting alone on a riverbank fishing and drinking a can of cider.

Skateboarding

Taking up skateboarding in your 40s is a great physical workout with the bonus of a whole new social scene. Best of all you’ll never see your family because they won’t want to associate with an embarrassing dad who hangs out with teenagers and uses the word ‘rad’.

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