THE country is doomed. Your job, your house, your pension and everything you’ve ever worked for will soon be gone. Here’s how to not think about it:
Immerse yourself in dystopias
Whether a dystopian sci-fi TV show, book or video game, dedicate the next two days to life in a blasted, broken future where the survivors eke out lives in the wasteland that is all that remains of civilisation, and try to pick up tips while reassuring yourself there probably won’t be zombies.
Embrace Buddhism
Buddhists don’t need any stuff as you shortly won’t, so there’s never been a better time to find inner peace. Shave your head, sit in the lotus position and meditate on whether all homeless people have beards or all beards long for homelessness.
Get ill
In these comparatively easy times, before winter starts to bite and there’s still a roof over your head, a cold is a minor inconvenience. Catch one and languish in bed sneezing, blowing your nose and swigging Lucozade. Looking back, these will be the good times.
Watch a drama about Boris
Recall the happy period of the pandemic lockdown, when you were warm in your house you could afford, by watching This England about Boris Johnson’s Covid experience. Chuckle at the naïve scriptwriters who had no idea he was hosting wild parties throughout.
Learn to skateboard
Skateboarding notoriously inflicts many injuries on the learner, and nothing concentrates the mind on the present like severe pain. A few tumbles down a concrete half-pipe – especially if you’re unfit and over 40 – and you won’t give a thought to the infinite misery of your future.
Go to the pub
There will still be pubs in the future, but only in historical parks which explain that once ordinary working people had enough spare cash to stand at the ‘bar’ and buy ‘pints’ of ‘lager’. Take part in the final days of a national pastime soon to be as lost to us as bear-baiting.
