WERE you all set to have a lovely day until other human beings came along and bollocksed it up for you? Like these bastards.
Your family
You’d have had a completely zen start to the day if it weren’t for your irritating loved ones. Your partner used the last Nespresso pod, causing an argument that brought up simmering resentments from four years ago, and your kid was sick in their school bag. Then, to top it all, your Mum called. And it’s not even 8am.
Your fellow commuters
How dare other people have the audacity to travel to work at the exact same time as you? And to do it while eating stinking breakfast foods, watching TikToks with no headphones and claiming a whole seat for their bag. You drop a few dick moves yourself in revenge, by standing on the wrong side of the escalator and pushing onto the bus before anyone can get off, which ultimately makes you feel worse.
Your colleagues
Steve wants to give you a scene-by-scene recap of Rings of Power and Barbara’s microwaving smoked mackerel for lunch: would any other members of your team be willing to take a staple-gun to your head and put you out of your misery? If you work from home you’ll get the same shit via Zoom, but at least nobody will be able to fart next to you in the lift.
Strangers in cafes
Some dickwad just snatched the last tuna mayo baguette from under your outstretched hand and now the twat at the front of the queue is holding everyone up asking the difference between a cappuccino and a flat white. You go to KFC instead and seethe inwardly while chewing your way through a disappointing nugget snack box.
Yourself
Even if you didn’t see a single other person for the whole day, you’d still find a way to f**k it up for yourself. Whether you failed to go to the gym yet again, ate nothing but Monster Munch for breakfast and lunch, or spent the evening stalking your more successful friends on social media, you know plenty of ways to ruin your own day.
