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Feminist not sure she's feminist enough to keep lockdown body hair

A FEMINIST is not sure that she’s feminist enough to keep her lockdown body hair throughout August.

Eleanor Shaw, 32, has been proudly cultivating her leg, armpit and fanny hair during quarantine, but is feeling less confident as the prospect of being around other humans looms.

She said: “I’ve honestly never felt so empowered in my life.

“I’ve spent lockdown really digging deep into my writing sisterhood while and letting my foof look as nature intended – which, it turns out, is seriously luxuriant and a lot like my Uncle Brian in 1978.

“But while I’m overjoyed to be liberated from the shackles of the patriarchal, capitalist system that made me hate myself for profit, can I wear a cossie without at least strimming the edges?

“I’ve got a hen do in Eastbourne next month. Am I really strong enough in my beliefs in matriarchy to swan in there like Piltdown Lady? I fear not.”

Partner Tom Logan said: “I support Ellie’s decision either way. Though I will now struggle to look uncle Brian in the eye ever again.”

Five rock-solid indisputable reasons for not returning to the office your boss will completely ignore

AS AN employee it is essential to know your rights during the pandemic, although they will be invalidated at your boss’s whim. For example: 

You are furloughed

If you’re legally furloughed you shouldn’t even be responding to work emails, and there’s no way your boss is allowed to call you in. So your boss will do exactly that this week. And because you want to be de-furloughed, you’ll go along with it.

You have childcare issues

Employers should be treating childcare issues sensitively, so as usual they’ll disregard them entirely. Reluctant to leave a couple of school-age aspiring arsonists home alone? Surely you can find someone who will take your children full time, for free, at a moment’s notice?

You no longer fit into work clothes

No matter how casual the Friday, stained joggers don’t make it but nothing else closes over your gut. Unfortunately your boss wants solutions not problems, so get ready to arrive for your one-on-one in a belted trenchcoat, bringing chips ’n’ dip because you snack 24-7 now.

You don’t have a job any more

If you have been made redundant, clearly there is no scenario in which you can be obligated to go into your old office. Nobody told your boss that. He needs his team here and working, not lounging around being unemployed at home. So you go in.

You have Covid-19

While being infected with the virus requires you, as per government advice, to isolate at home, it is hardly the attitude of a team player. ‘Covid leave was over by the end of the second quarter,’ your boss will bark. ‘You need to suck it up and take one for the team. Be in by 7am.’

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