EMINEM’S daughter has got married, so her husband presumably has to discuss DIY with a controversial rap megastar accused of hating women. Here are more freakish celebrity in-law situations.
Eminem
‘Hid in the bush… jumped out, killed the bitch and did her.’ That’s one of your new father-in-law’s milder lyrics, and hopefully not his advice if you have a row with his daughter. Eminem’s defence is always that he’s satirising gangster rap, but he’s been charged with firearm offences twice, including waving a pistol at Insane Clown Posse, as you do. That doesn’t sound very satirical, so if he gives you a tour of his shed definitely compliment him on his choice of lawnmower.
Jim Davidson
People often complain about their in-laws making them uncomfortable with their outdated attitudes. Jimbo has dozens of hours of viciously racist, sexist and homophobic jokes committed to memory. Every year you’d be desperately trying to get out of going round for Christmas dinner in case he does his routine about ‘Chalkie’, the hilariously stupid black man. Which he will. Complete with Jamaican accent.
Johnny Depp
A father-in-law who gets out the brandy and Es rather than the biscuit tin sounds superficially appealing, but you’d probably begin to dread visiting Johnny’s marital pit of insanity. There’d be the constant screaming arguments and, even before the court case, just too many weird conversational situations: ‘I liked your film Aquaman, Mrs Depp. Your skintight bodysuit was… stylish.’ The mind boggles, and it would be so hard to relax you’d be craving a nice tedious in-laws chat about the hydrangeas.
Andy McNab
Maybe we’re misjudging Mr McNab and he just likes a harmless chat about the garden or caravans rather than burning ‘ragheads’ to death with phosphor grenades. However you get the feeling he wouldn’t f**k around if you wronged his daughter. An affair would be signing your own death warrant, and just to be on the safe side it would make sense to get birthdays and anniversaries tattooed somewhere on your body.
Jude Law
In an ideal world, your father-in-law is someone you’d go to for advice, maybe even about your relationship. Somehow that would feel inappropriate with Jude’s track record of wife-swapping, shagging the nanny and getting divorced from Sienna Miller. Also it’s unlikely he knows much about DIY, so he’d be a pretty useless father-in-law in that respect. Harrison Ford, by contrast, would be great if you wanted to put up some shelves.
Tommy Lee
Sons-in-law are going to feel woefully inadequate with Tommy’s sexual exploits hanging over them like his allegedly massive penis. Daughters-in-law, meanwhile, might be uncomfortable with Mötley Crüe’s famously sexist output and treatment of groupies – and the suspicion that Tommy might not be averse to adding you to his total. However you look at it, it’s just not great having a legendary rock-and-roll shag monster for a father-in-law. Just pray he doesn’t decide to put on one of his home videos. It’s not going to be about his camping holiday in Rhyl.
Keir Starmer
Somehow you get the feeling Keir has strict rules about taking your shoes off in the hallway. And if his speeches are anything to go by he’s an agonisingly dull conversationalist. ‘How do you feel about fiscally-responsible government based on fully-costed policy proposals?’ is probably as fun as it gets. Still, you’ll get to visit Downing Street before too long, although you can probably forget about getting shitfaced in the free wine cellar.
