THE government has banned schools from forcing pupils to buy more than three branded items a year. But it cannot stop kids twisting the uniform code in the most dickish of ways:
Neon socks
The 80s neon trend was briefly a way to flaunt school rules with lurid green or pink socks. It lasted about a fortnight. Did heads crack down? Was it the unpleasant synthetic material the socks were made from, or the fact that they failed to turn spotty 80s kids in Warwick into sexy LA gym bunnies that made them vanish within a month?
The tightest of tie knots
Achieved by simply pulling someone’s tie until the knot was a hard little polyester lump to rival the Gordian Knot. Such bullying seems quaint in these days of all-night Snapchat frenzies and respect-related stabbings, but it did mean you couldn’t remove your tie and had to sleep in it.
Boundary-pushing earrings
Much like now, schools allowed stud earrings but not dangly ones. To teen girls, this was a declaration of war. The ban was justified on safety grounds, implying the corridors were previously littered with severed female ears after numerous horrific incidents. However all girls knew it was because Mrs Shawcross was a dried-up old bitch despite only being 33.
Creating a skinny tie
Tying your tie backwards and tucking the wide bit into your shirt left only a thin strip showing, defying authority in the pettiest way. It did actually look slightly better, like a slim 1960s tie worn by a suave Italian guy wooing signorinas in Rome. That’s where the similarity ended while you stuffed your face with Space Raiders and called your mates ‘benders’.
Wearing trainers
But stealth trainers. Black leather trainers with no visible branding whatsoever, slipping past teacher radar like the Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird slipped past Soviet defences. Or wearing bright green Golas, being sent home to change and not coming back.
Making your tie too short
A third pointless tie rebellion: a tie no more than two inches long. If the school had required you to wear this, you’d have bitterly complained about what a wanker it made you look. But instead you strutted around with a two-inch skinny tie with a permanent knot and believed you were sticking it to the man.
Wearing trousers in slightly too light a shade
Challenges to authority don’t come much more insipid than this. Dark grey was specified; you went a full four shades on the Dulux paint chart lighter. While being dressed entirely acceptably for a boring, dead-end office job entering faxes into a greenscreen computer, so in terms of your future career you called that right.
